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Joke Set 1

RP Elections 2003 | The Ten Suggestions | Thoughts on Sex | Aging | Corporate Lessons | Church Announcements | Men Babysitters | Linguistics | Pinoy Life Cycle | Computers at Night | Chinese Proverbs | Home Remedies | SARS | Nursing Home | Pinoy Historian | How weird is this?

How Weird is This?
Contributed by Garie Pimentel

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

What direction is your foot going now?

Pinoy Historian
Contributed by Ding Guzman

It was the first day of school and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Dagohoy: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Dagohoy.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Dagohoy, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Filipinos."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Dagohoy put his hand up. "John Pershing, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Dagohoy says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Dagohoy frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Dagohoy said, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Nursing Home
Contributed by Ding Guzman

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

SARS was First Discovered in the Philippines
Contributed by Raoul

Further research into the beginning of SARS has led to interesting discoveries that it was actually discovered in the Philippines long time ago.It was then known by a simpler name, SAR or A-SAR. Just like SARS, it spread very rapidly through face-to-face personal contacts.

ASAR - a carrier person who may infect others.

ASAR TALAGA - a person who is very contagious; very dangerous to approach; needs attention by healthy persons only

NANG-A-A-SAR - a person who is maliciously spreading the disease.

NAASAR - a person who is infected with the disease.

NAGKA-ASARAN - the process of transmitting the disease to others.

PANG-ASAR - Any medium of spreading the disease.

NAASAR TALAGA - A person in very serious condition; needs quarantine; could be fatal.

ASARAN NA - when a group or community is already infected.

NAPIKON - a victim of ASAR who is beyond recovery; should not be touched by anybody, not even friends or relatives.

Pahabol ni Glen Santayana:

You can also find medication in a SARI - SARI STORE.
Preventive drink - SARSI

Home Remedies
Contributed by Raoul
These are really more practical than funny but I thought it was worth putting here.

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers. [What traditional side effects -- getting rid of the headache.]

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes,then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take1 ablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes.....All you need is a dab of Preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly. [YUCK!!]

Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes......Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. [MANDA, READ THIS]

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus....Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection....To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust...Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The hosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. (But avoid drinking the Coca Cola--or any carbonated beverage--that same phosphoric acid robs your bones of calcium and prevents your body's absorption of calcium.) [UH, OH. I'M IN TROUBLE.]

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer....If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover.....just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. [HUH?]

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. [DO PEOPLE STILL GET BOILS??]

Balm for broken blisters.....To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas

Rainy day cure for dog odor....Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. [MAYBE WE COULD GET BEAU TO EAT ONE!!]

Eliminate ear mites....All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Vaseline cure for hairballs.....To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a dollop of Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through
the digestive system. [HERE, KITTY, KITTY!!]

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not just for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain. [I'LL TRY ANYTHING!!]

Some Home remedies ...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2.. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to potty.

If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan

Contributed by Garie Pimentel

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone........
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day........
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left........
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

What computers do at night!!!
Contributed by D. Guzman

Make sure your speakers are on!


Pinoy Man's life cycle, etc.
Contributed by D. Guzman

3 to 8 years old Paramihan ng toys
9 to 18 years old Pataasan ng grades.
26 to 35 Pagandahan ng asawa.
36 to 45 Palakihan ng income.
46 to 55 Padamihan ng kabit.

Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.

Theme song of married couples...
1 to 10 years Araw-araw gabi-gabi
11 to 25 years Saan ka man naroon?
26 to 49 years Gaano kadalas ang Minsan?
50 years and up Maalaala mo pa kaya?

A little pinoy humor:
Erap to Cardinal Sin: Cards, galit talaga ang simbahan sa akin. Unfair ito eh.
Cardinal Sin: Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan, Erap?
Erap: Tingnan 'nyo Cards, mayroong Sabado de GLORIA, mayroong Sagrado de
CORAZON at mayroon din'g Linggo de RAMOS. Bakit ako wala? Naging presidente
din ako ah.
Cardinal Sin: O sige na nga Erap. Sa iyo na iyang ASS Wednesday

Contributed by D. Guzman

1. Noong 1940's, kapag may bra ang babae, pinagbubulungan na at mababansagang malandi. Noon din ay may French perfume na ang tatak ay Eclat (silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na Eclat (pronounce the T). Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan ganon din ang tawag, "Ang dami mo namang eklat." Kinalaunan, pinaikli pa ang eklat at naging ek-ek- "Ang tagal mo namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi! Ang dami mong ek-ek!"

2. Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko ang nobelang Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan kapanapanabik ang bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni Galema. Sa komiks ang tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw ay baylerina. Kinalaunan, naging belyas, tapos naging English, hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO.

3. Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five".

Masyado yatang pormal ang handshake kaya "Give me Five, Man" ang pumalit. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games, naging High Five o "Give me five, up here!" Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta galing sa America. Ang "Give me five, up here" ay naging "Appear". Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies ganito ang series of training, "Anak, where is the light; where is the moon?" Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear!" At dahil sa E.T. ni Speilberg, "Align, Align!" Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.

4. Nang mag- Community Medicine ako noon sa isang slum area ng Sta.

Ana, Manila. Ito ang top 3 gamit na hindi mawawala sa mga bahay, gaano mang kaliit ang barung-barong: 1. Panyong may tatak na panalangin ng El Shaddai 2. Television 3. Karaoke. Kakambal na ng Pinoy ang pagkanta.

Noon, kapag nagkakantahan, gamit ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang 70's-80's ng minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan ng pagkakaalam ko, 8 na ang namamatay sa "My Way". Naalala ko noong elementary pa ko, nagtayo ang kuya ko at ng kanyang mga kaibigan ng isang Combo. Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay-- Band, hindi na Combo at ang Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald's promo.

5. Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology

Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon.

Mga Versions ng CT Scan: (Ganon na rin yon, no!)

1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?"

2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"

3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp"

4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"

* Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room.

"Doc saan po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T, marami na ang ginagamit na term ay Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marmi din kasing nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?" Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

* 7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."

3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang doktor, "Mister, bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon." (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado)

6. Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"

Mrs 1: "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."

Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital." (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"

Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."

Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole." (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)

Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na po kayo sa PACU.

Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?"

Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.

Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)

Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.

Mrs. 5: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"

Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"

Mrs. 6: May ketong daw po.

In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.

Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang sakit ng bata?"

Mrs 6: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."

Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) "Mrs. pumutok na po ba ang panubigan mo?"

Mrs 7: "Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog."

Why Men Should Not Babysit
Contributed by Raoul Pascual

click on the picture for more picture reasons. It's more cute than anything. I'm sure your wives will enjoy this.

Church Announcements
Contributed by Raoul Pascual

Thank Heaven for church ladies with typewriters.These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting Prayer Conference includes meals."
  3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
  4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
  6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
  7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests t! apes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
  14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  20. Attend and ! you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
  21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
  22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Corporate Lessons
Contributed by Ernie Peralta

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says," I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized." Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Contributed by Dean (Ding) Guzman

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

RP Election 2004 Candidates
Contributed by Dean (Ding) Guzman

Hey Folks, have you heard the HOT news on the latest line up of opposition candidates for the 2004 Elections in the Philippines? Definitely, a big threat to President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who's planning to run, too.

The opposition candidates slate is led by Fernando Poe, Jr. for President, Lucio Tan for Vice President, an actress named Ina (something) for Senator, and Nino Mullach for Congressman.

Local political analysts believe this could be the winning combination!!!

Personally, I don't know much of Poe, but Tan I do, Ina I don't, much more of Nino.

So, there you are - the magic slate:



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The Ten Suggestions
Contributed by Gary Pimentel

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know; remember?"


"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well - sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act like I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

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Contributed by Raoul Pascual

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Thoughts on Sex
Contributed by Ding Guzman

Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Steve Martin: "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to drive."

George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz380SL."

Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."

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