FAVORITE JOKES NG MGA KALOG!

Joke Set 2

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Smile For you

Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.


I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
When he smiled I realized I'd passed it on to him.


I thought about that smile then I realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected
Let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

Keep the smile going by sending this URL on to a friend.
Everyone needs a smile!

 


The jokes are listed from earliest entries to the most recent. I have provided a menu (below) to help you jump to the joke you want.

English Tagalog Translations | Less Famous Proverbs | Holy Water | Funny Images | Funny Links | Erap Jokes | The Classic Ringer | Van Gogh Family Tree | Computer Haikus | The Violinist | Heavenly Diet | Pang Pinoy | Tech History | Forest Gump | Urinal Conversations | Elderly Sex | The Real CSI | Irish Sinner | More Pinoy | Chinese Proverb | Cowboys and Indians | Shopping | Secrets of a Happy Marriage
Shop Names

English-Tagalog Translations
Contributed by Charlie Fernando


For those of you who have been out of the country for so long, you might want to start memorizing these new talasalitaan. Ngiti naman.
1. aspect - pantusok ng yelo
2. backlog - bacon saka egg
3. beehive - magpakatino ka
4. Cd rom - tingnan mo ang kwarto
5. city - bago mag-utso
6. cattle - doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
7. debug - ang ipis
8. dedicated - pinatay ang pusa
9. deduct - ang pato
10. defeat - ang paa
11. defense - ang bakod
12. defer - ang balahibo
13. deflate - ang plato
14. defrag - ang palaka
15. delusion - e di maluwag
16. depends - (see defense)
17. deposit - ang gripo
18. depress - nagkasal sa persuading (see persuading)
19. detail - ang buntot
20. detest - ang eksamin
21. devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang 'V'
22. devastation - 'dun sasakay ng bus
23. devote - ang boto
24. dilemma - brownout, a!
25. effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
26. forums - apat na kwarto
27. it depends - kainin mo ang bakod
28. july - nagsinungaling ka ba?
29. statue - ikaw ba 'yan?
30. protestant - tindahan ng prutas.
31. predicate - pakawalan mo ang pusa
32. profit - patunayan mo
33. persuading - unang kasal
34. tenacious - sinusuot sa paa
35. thesis - ito ay
36. torpedo - takot manligaw
37. zoology - ang sayans ng pagtatahi

Pahabol sa English-Tagalog Translations 2
Contributed by Ernie Peralta

37. contemplate - kulang ang pinggan

Pahabol sa English-Tagalog Translations 3
Contributed by Raoul

Tanong: How do you use defeat, deduct, defense, detail in one sentence.
Sagot: DEFEAT of DEDUCT went over DEFENSE before DETAIL.

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Less Famous Proverbs
Contributed by Garie Pimentel


1. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
3. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. TALIBAN PROVERB: Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
8. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
9. Honk if you love peace & quiet.
10.Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
12.Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
14. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
15. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
16. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
17. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

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ONE MORE BEATITUDE ...
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

And there's more:

And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:

(Anonymous)

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Favorite Joke ni Tony Cayetano:
Holy Water
This was told by our parish priest here at the navy base church @ NAS Oceana,VA:
Tanong: How does one make holy water out of ordinary tap water?
Sagot: You boil the HELL out of it!

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Funny Images (click to download pictures)

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FUNNY WEBSITES

New Diet Regimen
http://www.whoohoo.net/health

Screen Savers
http://www.rita.thegourmet.com/computers.html

Japanese Engrish
http://www.engrish.com

Periodic Table
http://www.themanshow.com/PeriodicTable_w4.html

Postal Experiments
Kinda makes me want to do my own experiments:
http://www.improbable.com/airchives/paperair/volume6/v6i4/postal-6-4.html

Dancing Paul
http://www.radicalzoo.com/thezoo/Games/dancingpaul/pauldance.htm

An extensive collection of Osama Bin Ladin picture jokes. Warning: Some of the pictures are a bit naughty.
http://www.fuckusama.com

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A Collection of Old Erap Jokes


Reporter to Erap alighting from PAL flight: Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?
ERAP: I don't know, kasi nasa First class ako.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the US, they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder.
In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope no wonder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jinggoy: DAD manood tayo ng APOLLO 13.
ERAP: Ayoko, baka hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi ko pa kasi napapanood ang 1 to 12
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP found a lamp with a genie.
GENIE: Make a wish
ERAP shows map of the Philippines.
I wish that all the island be connected by flyovers.
GENIE: too difficult. Make another wish.
ERAP: Make me intelligent.
GENIE: Can I see the map again?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FM is martial law prez.
Cory is EDSA prez.
And FVR is centennial prez.
Who is the millennium bug?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bakit ERAP ang nickname in ERAP?
Kasi, ERAPturuan
ERAP mag-english
ERAP maglakad
ERAP magsalita
ERAP makaintindi
ERAP paniwalaan at ang tao, ERAP na ERAP na!

-----------------------------

ERAP: Nakakahiya!
JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?
ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko dun, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!

------------------------------

STANLEY HO: Mr. President, please accept this Mercedes Benz as sign of my appreciation to you
ERAP: Sorry, I don't accept bribes
SH: I'll just sell it to you for P100
ERAP: Okay, I'll get two!

---------------------------

ERAP: (singing) "Mile away . . . . you're so many mile away from me."
LOI: Hon, lagyan mo ng letter "s"!
ERAP: Smile away, you're so many smile away from me . . ."

------------------

DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?

-----------------

JUDE: Dad, nagpa-tattoo ako
ERAP: Aba, tama 'yan! Labanan natin ang tsismis na bading ka anak!
Patingin nga ng tattoo mo?
JUDE: O, di ba Dad, maganda na ang kilay ko?

--------------------

ERAP's Wisdom:
1) if the cat is away the mouse is alone
2) if others can don't help
3) don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full
4) don't count the eggs if they are not yours

------------------

Sabi nga sambayanang Pilipino:
Hindi na problema ang komunismo
Di na rin problema ang imperyalismo ang problema ay si ERAP MISMO!

-----------------------------

1. Erap's Dictionary:
Mention - Malaking bahay
Delicacy - Hurry
Dedicate - It will stick

2. FVR: Erap may gift ako sa iyo, galing ito sa India. It's a 10 feet snake.
ERAP:Ow, Niloloko mo naman ako eh. di ako ganoon katanga. Ang snake walang feet ano!

3. ERAP: Sabi nila Bobo ako. Hindi totoo iyan. Kumuha nga ako ng I.Q. Test NEGATIVE naman ang result ah.

4. Erap at SM: Bigyan mo ako 'Ne, KIKIMON para sa apo ko.
SALESLADY: Sir, POKEMON po iyon.
ERAP: POKEMON/KIKIMON, pare-parehong PEKPEK iyan.

5. Kung wala kang makain, papakainin ka ni Erap. Kung wala kang damit, dadamitan ka ni Erap.
Kung wala kang asawa, aasawahin ka ni Erap.
Kung wala kang alam, lalo na si Erap.

6. Erap to FVR: Ang ulo ko laging sumasakit.
FVR: Ganyan talaga, katulad yan ng sikmura na kapag walang laman sumasakit.

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A Classic Ringer

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms."

"No matter," said the man, "Observe" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless man, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly. "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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The Van Gogh Family Tree

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes Gotta Gogh

The brother at the convenience store Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white Hue Gogh

The dizzy aunt Verti Gogh

The cousin from Illinois Chica Gogh

His magician uncle Wheredidy Gogh

His Mexican cousin Ami Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt Tane Gogh

The bird lover uncle Flamin Gogh

The fruit loving cousin Mane Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking Wayto Gogh

His sister who loved disco Go Gogh

and His niece whoe traveled the country in a van Winniebay Gogh

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Computer Haikus

Tokyo, Japan - Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said:

"We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human Japanese face on what has been until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."

The haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft's and they make you pause just long enough that you're able to fight the impulse to put a fist through the screen. The chairman went on to give examples of the error messages:


A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.


You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.


Chaos reigns within.
Stop reflect and reboot.
Order shall return.


ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.


Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows are like that.

First snow then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.


With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence.
"June_Sales.doc" not found.


The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao
Until you bring fresh toner.


Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.


A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.


Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.


You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.


Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky
But we never will.

Having been erased
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.


Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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The Violinist

there was a violinist who volunteered to play for sick people in the hospital. after he finished playing for a very sick man, he said to the man "i hope you get better". the man replied "i hope you get better too".

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A Heavenly Diet

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health foods.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" "This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. Don't you understand yet?" asked St. Peter. "This is Heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago."

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Pang Pinoy

Daga at Pusa
Dear Itay,
padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang mga damit kopinagkakain ng mga daga.

Dear Anak,
wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron ditong pusa.


Asukal o asin
Isang babae ang bumili ng asukal. Iniabot ng tindera, pero sabi ng babae, "Miss, asin itong binigay mo sa akin."

Tindera:
Hindi, asukal yan. Minarkahan lang naming "Asin" para hindi langgamin.

Ang babae at ang Loro
Isang babae ang naglalakad sa may bangketa nang makita niya sa harapan ng Pet Store ang isang loro.

"Miss ang pangit, pangit mo!", sabi ng loro sa babae.

Nagalit ang babae, ngunit pinabayaan nya na lang ang loro at siya ay pumasok sa
trabaho. Sa kanyang pag-uwi, nakita na naman nya ang loro at muli sinabi sa kanya....

"Miss ang pangit, pangit mo talaga".

Talagang naiirita na siya, pero nagpasensiya lang sya. Nang sumunod na araw, ang sabi na naman ng loro: "Miss, talagang super pangit ka"

Sa sobrang inis ng babae ay pumasok siya sa loob ng Pet shop at sinabihan ang may-ari na kung hindi titigil ang ibon ng kasasabi sa kanya ng pangit ay idedemanda nya ang tindahan at papatayin niya ang ibon.

Nangako naman ang may-ari na sisiguraduhin nyang hindi na magsasalita ulit ang loro ng pangit.

Nang muling dumaan ang babae pauwi sa galing kanyang trabaho tinawag sya ulit ng loro.. "Psst Miss"

Sumagot ang babae, "Bakit?"

Sabi ng ibon: "ALAM MO NA ..."

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Contributed by Ding Guzman:
Tech History

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already
had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Filipino press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Filipino mangbubungkals (means 'diggers') have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already
using mobile phones."

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Contributed by Amy Navarro (Raoul's sister):
Forrest Gump

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, so we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass
before you can get into heaven.

Forrest responds,"It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you consists of only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and
thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve??! Forrest, how in heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second,March second......"

"Hold it," interrupts St.Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the final question: Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."

"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song.... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..."


St. Peter opened the gate and said: "RUN FORREST, RUN!!"

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Contributed by Ding Guzman:
Urinal Conversation

A guy left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when he decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so he went into the second one. He was no sooner seated than he heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Not normally the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations and not knowing what possessed him he answered (a little embarrassed):

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! he was really beginning to think this was too weird, but he answered:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, he heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all
the questions I am asking you."

Contributed by Ding Guzman:
Elderly Sex

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

The Real C.S.I. - Can you top this?
Not sure if this classifies as a joke but this is the best place to put this. I think this is an incredible story of detective work -- Raoul.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. (A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)

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THE IRISH SINNER

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Bridget O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Katie O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone.Be off with you now and do your Penance."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend,Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads."

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More Pinoy Jokes
 Warning: Some jokes may be offensive to others.

Husband: Lagi mo pala dinadala ang picture ko sa bag mo pag pumapasok ka sa office. Bakit?
Wife: Pag may problema ko, kahit gaano kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo.
Husband: Sabi ko na nga ba talagang mahal na mahal mo ko.
Wife: Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na WALA NG PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO.
------
Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang inasahan ko hindi mangyayari yan!
------
Lola hinoldap.
LOLA: Wala akong pera!
HOLDAPER: Alam ko kung nasaan ang pera mo. (sabay pinasok ang kamay sa bra ni lola)
LOLA: Tuloy mo pa. Me cheke pa sa baba!
------
Pulis: Bayad ko sa kape, o.
Intsik: Aba, bakit ka bayad?
Pulis: Utos na ni Lacson, wala nang kotong.
Intsik: Aba sige, simula ngayon hindi na ako dura sa kape mo.
------
WIFE: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.
HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!
------
LUCIO TAN: 25% Fillipino, 75% Chinese.
HENRY SY: 20% Fillipino, 80% Chinese.
ERAP: 30% Filipino, 70% Alcohol.
MANOLING MORATO: 50% Filipino, 50% Filipina.
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Sinner: Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I 'm sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and graphics from my cellphone.
Priest: My child ... can we be textmates?
------
I saw a big Pokemon stuff toy in Toy Kingdom.
Bibilhin ko sana kaso tinarayan ako ng saleslady.
Ewan ko ba, sabi ko lang naman " Miss, patingin ng Pokemong malaki. "
------
Anak: 'Nay, puede na ba akong magbra? Nay, kinse na po ako, puede na ba?
Ina : Hoy! Joselito! tigilan mo nga ako!!!!
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Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon
Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?
Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.
Doc: Tanga! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.

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CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who flatulate in church sit in own pew.

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Cowboys and Indians
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' good."
Indian is shocked...
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian has a look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you ?"
Horse: "Good."
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."
Indian stares in utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: " Sheep is a liar."

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Contributed by Ding Guzman:
Shopping

A "Husband Shopping Centre" was opened where a woman could go to choose
from among many men, for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with
the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a
man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down
except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to
find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love
kids."The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having
jobs,or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go.Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder
what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking,love kids and help with the housework.." Wow! say the women. Very
tempting, BUT, there's more further up!?And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak."Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further
on!

So up to the Fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said "This floor
is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
and have a nice day."

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Contributed by Ding Guzman:
Secrets of a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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Galing kay Ding:
Jokes from Ding

Pinoy Shop Names

Alabank (rural bank of Alabang)
Anita Bakery
Babalik Karinderia
Bote Nga Sa'Yo (Used Bottle Shop)
Bread Pitt (Bakery)
Candies Be Love?
Christopher Plumbing
Chow-ling (Sizzling Pancit restaurant)
Caintacky Fried Chicken (in Cainta, Rizal)
Cinna Von (a laundromat)
Cleopata's (bakahan and manukan)
Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery)
Curl Up And Dye (Beauty Salon)
Doris Day and Night (24 hour eatery)
Domingo's Pizza
Elizabeth Tailoring
Fagoofyt (a children's hair salon on J. Elizalde Avenue in BF Paranaque)
Felix the Cut (Barber Shop)
Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (video rental shop in Usuanga, Palawan).
Goldirocks (Gravel & Sand Shop)
Goldilooks (Barber shop)
Happy Birthday Toyo (a soy sauce brand in the 70's)
Holland Hopia (owned by Mr. Ho; next door is Poland Hopia, owned by
Mr. Po in Chinatown Manila)
Kina Roger's (restaurant)
Leon King Video Rental (Las Pinas)
Let's Goat-Together (kambingan cum beer garden)
Maid To Order (Maids Placement Agency)
MacDonuts (Donut Shop)
Mang Donald's (burger joint, Naga City plaza)
Meating Place (Meat Shop)
Meatropolis (meat shop)
Memory Drug (A Mercury Drug Clone)
Miki Mao (noodle eatery)
Saudia Hairlines (Beauty Salon)
Side-saki (side street eatery beside Mandarin Hotel)
Sophisticut (unisex hair salon)
Susan's Roses (flower shop)
Sylvestre's Salon
TapSi TurBi (Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka)
The Fried of Marikina (fried chicken shop)
The Way We Wear (Boutique)
Wrap and Roll (lumpia outlet, Quad, Makati)

A menu in a seafood restaurant has these entrees:

Isda best, Pusit to the limit, and Hipon coming back.

A PLDT sign: SLOW MEN AT WORK

Flower shop sign near U.P. Diliman: " Petal Attraction "
Along Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong: "Pansit ng taga-Malaboni"
On Jeepney and Bus signs:
"Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off"
"Full string to stop driver"
"God knows Hudas not pay"
"For reckless driving, call ###-##### "
"Don't get closed to me, get closed to God"

On window of a restaurant in Baguio:
"Wanted: Boy Waitress"

On a carinderia:
"Cooking ng ina mo"
"Cooking ng ina mo rin" (right across Cooking ng ina mo)

On a video rental shop: MASTERVISION

In Chinatown: "Le Cheng Tea House"

"Pinas sa Wrap" (uso na kasi yung wrap)

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